Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
You’re the water to my grease fire.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
british sex workers really pound for pound
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home