[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
this is the best day of my life
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
we all know this pain all too well
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.