Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
“what that mouth do?” complain
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.