sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
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Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…