Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
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Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.