Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These aliens are taking forever.

Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.

I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!

*11 people die*

INDIANA JONES: this was worth it

My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes

Until I got drunk, and put them on

Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly

Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine