Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
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My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
awkward
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast