Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
.. do you even science?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.