Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?