Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
classic mixup
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”