Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster