Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
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If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.