Sex so good you see dead people.
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For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
My dad teaching me to drive
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?