Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
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I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement