Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
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[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Me My dog
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.