Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.