Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week