Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
You Might Also Like
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.