Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
So, can we agree on 4 or
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text