[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
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[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Pot warmers of the day.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.