@clairehoworth
@onion_an Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
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@onion_an 
@CornOnTheGoblin °waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
@DevilryFun My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
@horacedodge Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
@DothTheDoth Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
@Parentpains Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
@alispagnola What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
@murrman5 me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
@slimmy_shady Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
@joci2203 All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.