Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Me: Oh right, exercise
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.