@clairehoworth
@RealCarrotFacts Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
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@RealCarrotFacts 
@AngryRaccoon2 I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
@fixyourcompass My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
@theDanLawler I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
@ChaseMit Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
@labyrinthpretty I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
@XplodingUnicorn Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
@scootergonscoot “can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
@careworn Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?