Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem