Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]

“I brought chicken”

Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.

hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities

Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem