Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

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I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.


My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…


Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”


Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.


Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.


“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all


Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?