@clairehoworth

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

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@onion_an

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

@DevilryFun

My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.

@horacedodge

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

@Parentpains

Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?

Them:

Me: Oh right, exercise

@murrman5

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

@slimmy_shady

Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.

@joci2203

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.