Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
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I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
😲 WTF? 😆
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.