Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

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Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”


My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.


Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.


Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.


Them: We should go for a walk in the park

Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?


Me: Oh right, exercise


me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is


Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.


All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.