Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

[whale watching]

whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again

🥃

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.

Thanks, royal baby.

if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

Therapist: You’re not really improving

Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?

Therapist:

Me:

Therapist: well it’s worth a try

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*