Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?

The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…

The difference is Staggering.

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

eggs benadryl

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”

*later at the abandoned mine*

Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”

I’m having an out of money experience.

make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.

please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”

A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.

nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies

why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”