@clairehoworth

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

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@AngryRaccoon2

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

@fixyourcompass

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”

@ChaseMit

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

@XplodingUnicorn

Boss: You’re late.

Me: Only in this time zone.

Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.

@scootergonscoot

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

@careworn

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?