Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
WWE is French for “yes”
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.