[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
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me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*