Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“How’s your day going?”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he