[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
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Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
🤣😂
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password