[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
You Might Also Like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Awwwww shit.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said