@hipchkk THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
@ceejoyner [sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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@hipchkk 
@Fickle_Filly Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
@jewfacekilla “Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
@Brampersandon_ COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
@RandiLawson We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
@ozzyunc I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
@TheToddWilliams [The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
@Arroia Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
@Mandiatrandom1 Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
@funflaps Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.