[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
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[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Cheers Twitter.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃