sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
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Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion