Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.