SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
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There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to