“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
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A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.