Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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girls literally only want one thing..
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
The French word for sex is croissant.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being