*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
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If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I am never leaving this website
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
So creative 😂
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out