*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
You Might Also Like
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.