@JasonLastname

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

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@Boobalander1970

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

@SonOfCha

Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.

@joeislamo

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

@TheBoydP

Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.

@lydie_glass

“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.

@internetluke

Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?

@shutupmikeginn

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

@byrdie_num_num

We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.

@Xtina_Crawford

The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.