*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket