*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
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My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Godspeed, John Glenn
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.