shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
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Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Dune (2021)
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.