Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
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Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Two types of dogs.
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
It was worth a shot 😂
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Whisper out to librarians!
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.