*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
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Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
I only say stupid things when I talk.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.