Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder