Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
You Might Also Like
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
what kind of cook setting is this??
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.