Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
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Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck