SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
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Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.