[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
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wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership