Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
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I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
(Jupiter –