shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
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Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
The internet is magic sometimes.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.