shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
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Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Jupiter
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Message from the dog groomers
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}