“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.