@10InchesPlus

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

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@GlennyRodge

“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.

@rickolantern

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

@HammerFist3

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

@AndyRichter

Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@byrdie_num_num

I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.

@topaz_kell

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

@MrSandeepP

I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.

@Maxine12333

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

@Robert_Beau

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.