Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
never compromise your values
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.