*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
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Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*