Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him: